A Stich Up Devision

My birth I do not remeber but I have been with her through out her life. Inseperable until the day I seeped out, leaving her to servive with what was left of her.
I remember that day for I am the holder of chaotic memories for her. And in that day she was clutching a piece of paper, in her sweaty hand, containing the information. Clutched so tight and hard her sweat is smudging the words to become " turn back home''. A fragment of my imagination ofcaurse. I contain that for her too for I am her SANITY.
We both enter the doctor's office. I am registering carefully what is bieng discussed. they agree on a sum. She mutters ''I am ready''. At that moment leaped out of her body that contained that submissive heart letting out a demonic silent scream ''for what!ready'' I remind her of our promise. That it is against everything we are and ever will be. I wisper into her deafend ear ''A man who doesnot appriciate our experience in al matters is not a man to be reckoned with''.
She stood up slowly and walked the walk of the defeated behind the Dr. heading for the operating room. But I was relentless I folow her closely and kept up the rambling flow into her waxy ear ''our virginity a gift? a tocken of loe and honour?'' the Dr.comes between us somehow he must have gone through me, I still do not realize my seperated state is null. .I barely slip in when he was closing the door behind him, and it seems the door has hit me but I look at the left side of my supposed existance and ofcause I see nothing.
Inside the OR I find a mirror while I look into it and its reflection of all the suroundings of the room but me, the ubserdity of the notions I spoke out intensified and I laugh hysterically at the men who demand virginity as a requirment in thier partner. Wait I am sanity I must stop. As i realized what I am I tried movement. I found that I am agile. i can glide, float, soar.
Up to the cieling I look down on her. A body without me. She is lying on the table. Her top is on but her legs are bare and spread. Her thighs tremble though her knees are up and her feet are firmly planted on smooth sufrace of the table. a stable position yet her thighs tremble.
I descend to stad behind her to look down on her face. I find shamful silent tears streaming donw the sides of her face, wetting her ears and hair. Yet she does not move her hands to wipe the tears away. her hands are interwined tightly the knuckls are while, she has placed them above her chest where her heart should be. For fear of it's desersion too. Now a body and a heart with out me I see.
I look up from her face and stare intently at the Dr. who placed himself between her knees. To me he looks like a gremlin, fevrishly lifiting his arm up with a grubby hand holding a black string. another arm appears as the first disapears,in tandem. sowing vigirously. I cannot look at him or her, so I sweep under the table to hide from the scene. I find dripping from the edges of the table blood. I look down on the floor and I am surounded by wide puddles of blood by hwat has seemed like only droplets.
The Dr.has finished. he asks her to press this pad against her grion and lie down for a while for the bleeding to cease. He leaves. se picks up her phone and says she is very alone. And that she is cold. No the dr. is not here. No no blankets. Crying she says she is awfully cold that she is alone. No nobody is wiaiting. she came alone. Now she is just alone and cold. seeng she is bieng misunderstood she says she will cross the border tomorrow and will be home then.
I follow her to the bathroom the Dr. showed her inorder for her to wash up.I stand watching her clean herself gently what must be very tender and saor. thinking she is finished she stands up to find blood trickeling down her inner thighs so fast puddles started forming on the bathroom floor. I watch her as she bends in pain and atempts to wipe the floor with toillet paper. Wipe the mess se fears the secretery outside will see and then know what she came in for. I want to shake her tell her to demand help, but we have relinquished eachother. she looks back for traces but she has done a good job. She is in mor epain now and it is increasing rapidly but she wants out.
I follow her out of the Dr's office into the streets. we stop at the pavment before she crosses the street she waves at me as if asking me to move because she cannot see the traffic from me. I forget my true state and realize i am transperant and her wave was but a wave for me to go away and leave her once and for all. I stood watching my shell cross the street heading for the pharmacy. This is when we seperated.
We reunited Two years a go. But before that I visited her briefly in her lucid dreams. She was always full of laughter. But now that she recieved me, her sanity back her laughter's source in happiness I provide for I go insane for her hearts desires.

Want Of Feeling

Never was a beauty. My attraction lies in the expresivness of my features. I am laughably plain compared to the batrayal of my face. The betrayal of every emotion revolving around my thought is illuminated for the reciever to see. For that sole reason poeple have fallen inlove with me without knowing who I am, or hating me imnesly for the confusion it stirs.
I am cursed with the ability to sense other people struggling within themselves, so deep, right there in the darkest depth of thier souls I reach. There I find beautiful insight and a painful recognition. The condition humane where lies the danger of fusion.
This is when I embraced a form of life the gift of feeling.that breath and demand. Rues are made to control feelings, cripple them, for they are obsticles in the face of a realist, a danger to a pesimistic existintialist. To me they lead to deliciouse inner madness. I defied those rules, refused the social definition of pride and self control, poise. Descarded reserve and conventionality and stood naked infront of everyone. I am shamless.
I have begged for mercy I begger when the lose was unbearable for I believed it might take away the pain. Even when the lose was of an unhealthy love I begged. A love of wanting to posses,digest, spiting out the remains of a human I thought I was loving.I was shamless and I begged him for mercy. or was it the truth in disguise. Blind with rage I chose to beg in place of revenge. this way I stayed true to myself. My pride was not broken or corroded. My pride remained smoldreing and strong, because the morals of the avarage man are unacceptable to me. I live by other values.
My most vaulrable traits socially considered a weakness, an extreme, an excess. to me it is the only way to live. A tremendouse ability to forgive is what I found with in me through who has hurt me. A kindness so profound the crulest man and ignorant woman will find a place in my heart and care.
I am shamless. I as a woman have used my body to posses and satisfy, at that time it was the only way to seek and express love. My bodys influense became so strong it has harmed me and others more than anything then. It has driven the man I love away. After that I have learned how to love, I peserve my body's power in egniting the basic man woman attraction, no longer a vice. I became kind to my body and realized it's submission to my orders. and I am kind to it when it simply gives away.
How I became like that. I was not born this,is a mistery even to me. A mistery to poeple who come in contact with me, seeing this truth that is reflected in my face alone. Has often resulted in disbelieve and mistrust. And After all I get hurt, but it is worth it. Because I try and not trying is what I regret the most. Because if I do not try I will never be true to myself when I only know what it is I want.

Unfinished Business

Daphne And Apollo
Not finsihing my darwings is one of the indications of what kind of person I am. Till now I have not finished anything I started. I have recently discovered that this my way of not commiting to anything, for I am unwilling to burn any bridges behind me therfore nothing is impossible.

One Night Stands

Women regard one night stands in general as offeding behaviour towards themselves, although deep down most of them long to be able to have sex for the what really is sometimes. Fucking.
A mind state where a woman unleashes the wild child and sensual woman all wrapped into one.
I tell you a story of one:

Everynight she runs on her way back home after a night out with her friends. She took up this habit of running back home after all that has happened. It has become unbearable for her to live peacfully, to live alone, running shortened the time, for if she walked it will give her mind a wandering quality into remeberance of rejection, failure, an endlessly winding road of unwidnening.
One night she chose a man from the group she met in this town. He has seen her run home before. It ade him smile in wonderment eachtime she did that so when she asked him to walk with her he could not refuse her.
They walked across the town that war has touched upon. It has changed, it held her childhood memories once but now everything is astray. The poeple of this town lets it's simple beauty rot, for they have given up.
They reached a park near her block. Every fwe blocks there is a park for children to play. They sit on one of the benches that circle the little park. One of the pannels on the wooden bench is missing, trees around them drooping, chains of the swings missing, colours of the slides faded, but she does not mind, for she is locked in the past and in the past everything is still the same. Beautiful. Alive.
In the darkness he speaks in wispers. She on th other hand charms. The blond head of the man did not notice the cloud she was breathing life into with her lulling voice at first. It's rythem intensifies by her accent when she speaks in his language, her small mouth formed gentle brightening future against his dispair. With her strong arms and gracful fingers she weaved for him the path of hope. The cloud enveloped him when she moved and sat herself o his lap.
She wrapped her thin legs around his thighs hiking up he already short skirt further. She put her out behind her to lean on them but threw her head back laughing when she couldn;t find the missing wooden pannel. Instead she circled her arms arond his neck. He leaned his head against her forhead telling her a tenderness of a woman he hasn't felt for a long time. In reply she caressed his back and felt his sadness from the touch of him. Her own urged her to kiss his face with those same small lips, lips that warmed up from the intensity of thier combined sadness and reached for his.
Kissing she unbottoned his jeans and hiked her skirt up further until it disapeared beneath the fold of her top to recieve him. From behind his head she saw a cop aprouching, she cooly pulled him closer to her, held him tighter and rested her head sideways on his shoulder and stopped the rocking movement of her hips. The cop passed them by with a glance and decided not to disturb a couples siple embrace.
They waited until the cop left. he lifted her of him gently and looked at her resentfully for makinghim do this so publicly. Nevertheless he grasps her hand and he leads her hurriedly towards one of the buildings, they descend the stairs that lead to the basement. There he propells her against the wall, she starts to take off her top, he hangs his head down mumbling in his funny English no, no cold. Protesting he places his hand on her chest only to find a warm bare breast.
She wanted him to see her all, to feel all of her. enough with the rejections she pulls him to her. He takes her roughly. She has never been handled roughly , but she does not mind. She wanted him to pound the pain out of her. she lifts her arms above her head and reaches for the protruding bricks in the wall behind her to hold on against his thrusts. She feels the eerie carress of cobwebs on her forearms and hands, but she does not mind. Hs heat, him inside her made her feel alive, desirable, wanted. consciouse of lastlessness she does not mind, for the want of regaining what has been lost is strongly confused with lust.
Finally he picks up her top and clumsly helps het to put it on. He walks her home but she stops him telling him she will be fine on her own. se breaks into a run leaving him standing. He watches her run, as if for life, until she disapears around the corner.
They never spoke again, but they have seen eachother many times, and always she waves to him happly, and he waves back with a sadness that has nothing to do with her. He came to see her before she left the country, yet again they wave to eachother froma far, she with her laughing eyes and a smilling face full of false hope. Him a face of incurable sadness.

My eyelids flutter open to find his eyes gazing intensly into mine. Eye's so black, all irises.
My body is trapped beneath a man I do not know yet I know his rythem so well, why he chose this moment to take more than I offer I do not know, but I was mesmerized. Mesmerized by what I do not want to see. I saw a tenderness I convinced myself men incapable of, seen the man he cannot find within himself anymore a man he cannot give.
I went further and betrayed myself by not averting my eyes to this invasion. My eyes spoke out to him images of the woman I do not dare fathom in the colors of my bieng.
Gently with my hand on his chest I ease him away to turn my body around,I give my back to him to embrace me from behind praying for obliviosness, that he has seen nothing.

Letter To Selfishness

I am learning from life not without resistance for it seems to involve change. Change one finds hard to accept because it is painful, a metamorphosis where one sheds a layer of skin to reveal yet another. Some I have put up myself to hide my essence, then I would go bacl and tear it out off me, eachtime I have to face the outcome.
I face you now that you have been revealed. A truly selfish persona, your emergence suffocates the person who has been fighting such a monster's you are dilemma to a demented mind.
You announce your presence. I myself feel that a part of me is evaporating and the stench of the vapor brings tears to my eyes. Not being able to see you nor breath you selfishness insist on placing demands to be recognized, nurtured, doctored and appreciated.
You speak to my mind telling stories of you being my savior while am bodily cornered by your demands for attention. I am pulled and shoved in all directions as I fight for another solution but you.
Selfishness I hear you laughing at my clown like attempts, but I can see you waiting for me patiently, for oh know I am growing tired and will start to settle down soon. In another attempt to fight you I resolve to become a mime,I ignore you and move aimlessly it appears, but for me am desperately going places. Regardless of my attempts you start your lessons, I continue to mime while am trying to hide my note book that holds the results of your lessons. Everything will fall apart if my selfishness is discovered.
Her I hide,she is ugly but oh so kind to me, whn she is present I cannot avert my eyes. Kind selfishness yur posture so grotesque, and your leering face so ugly while you sit in a corner pitifully. People have conflicting feelings about you, some don't mind you, some abuse you, 'some push you away.
I have pushed you away all my life, would not even consider your presence I my life, you disgusted me. Now? Now come to me I have settled down, don't mind my miming it is not for you eyes, it is for the others, the ones that are watching, waiting, expecting resenting. In your eyes the future is reflected in brilliant colors. Do not let your eyes wander selfishness do not mind their stares, the non belief of the onlookers. Do not let the guilt of what you really are sneak up on you and submerge you. It is all an illusion just let me look into your eyes. I will try to learn to love you.

I do not want to die

I do not want to die,one wishes that upon oneself at times, but that is not what i want.I do not want to die while am trying to become crazy, this is what I wish upon myself, madness. It is my relief, my destiny,when am like this. when I cannot breath and I am feeling weak yet my heart is beating strong it will burst out and kill me. Kill the one who did me wrong, the one who took away all my self control. I lose myself in self pity for I am rediculed, critisized, pushed , forced, manipulated, and above all my body takes control and decides to choke the life out of me, as if I am ordered to leave that body at once for desecrating it. This body that confines me to what I am and what surrounds me. with the distruction of his body I may find peace. I have tired that body that carries an exausted mind. I tired it by accepting, tollerating and not asking for what is my right.
I have been called crazy, irrational all the way stupid. i cannot fight what has been standing for years, my mind even with this tirdness of body won't be tamed, customed, my mind decides to declare war on that body so I can leave , leave to where I do not need protection, for peace will embrace me, me with my misunderstood happiness reflected in my eyes when its gaze comes upon beauty that is everywhere in life. at that moment I feel i am dying and I do not want to die, not with a scarred soul, not without shared termoil.